It’s 2017, right?

I got fired yesterday for being gay. I got fired yesterday for being gay. FIRED, BECAUSE I’M GAY. Fired because my “lifestyle choices don’t match the core values of the company”. I’m going to just keep repeating this to myself until I am able to understand how something like this even happens anymore.

Yes, the job was driving me crazy because I was having to hide a portion of who I am as a person. It isn’t even that big of a portion of who I am, but it is a very important part of who I am. I know I am better off not being with the company because I don’t want to work for a company with those narrow minded beliefs. At the same time, it is still pestering me that I got fired for who I come home to at night. This has nothing to do with my work performance, or even who I am as a person in the work place.

It confuses me even further that while firing me they were complimenting how wonderful of an employee I am and kept stating that any center would be lucky to have me as an employee, just that I couldn’t be at their center. So the only conclusion this leaves me with is that I was working for a group of homophobic, closed-minded individuals.

With it still being PRIDE month and having just celebrated pride over the weekend this gave me a lot to think about. I have heard so many times that gay rights aren’t an issue anymore because gay marriage is legal. But pride and the gay rights movement involves so much more than just marriage. It involves the anti-trans rights laws that have been passed in North Carolina. It involves the laws just passed in Texas that prohibit gay couples from adopting. It involves all those in the LGBTQ+ community that have died for something as simple as who they love.

So yes, me being fired sucks, for lack of better words! But in the scope of things it is just one small act that just continues to show the amount of work that still needs to be done in our society to protect the rights of people to love who they wish. So for now I’m going back to standing up for the rights, that as a human being, I deserve. And back to my job search, but this time I will make sure it is with a company that stands behind equality.

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Whose Afraid Of Surgery?

Whose afraid of surgery?

Certainly not me!

What’s there to be afraid of?

Between the scalpels and masks and tubes,

To keep my composure I might need some forbidden booze.

Certainly not a thing made up of my worse fears!

Surrounded by doctors and bright light,

Hoping for the best and some rest.

I’m losing my control,

I have no choice but to take the low blow.

I hate asking for help,

but what other choice do I have?

My family saves me from the pain and struggles,

But at what price to their own daily juggles.

Stopping their tasks and daily needs,

Just for me to be freed.

My puppy who relies on me,

Will have to find her love in another she.

But whose afraid of surgery?

Certainly not me!

I Love Waiting

I really, really love to wait. It’s been something that I know other people struggle with, but nothing excites me more than being stuck sitting around waiting.

I love calling my doctor about something very serious and still sitting here three days later with absolutely no call back. It jut makes me feel so important and that my healthcare is in such caring and thoughtful hands.

I love when I’m going through a flare having to go through months of testing and trial medications when both me and my doctor know that none of it is going to work and that I need a more intrusive and extreme treatment to get me back to my normal.

I get such a thrill from having to wait in a doctor’s office every other month waiting to see what torture I’m going to get put through next just so I can keep up my quality of life. And it really thrills me when a doctor is running late and nobody knows how long I’ll be stuck sitting  there waiting for my turn to go back.

I know this is a normal frustration and becomes a very annoying normal for those of us fighting chronic illnesses.

And it is not something that I have learnt to deal with in a very reasonable fashion. I unfortunately have taken this annoyance out on my mom and girlfriend far too many times. And by now they are both aware you don’t touch me or really talk to me much if I’m anywhere near a doctor’s office because I snap very quickly.

But hey, I love waiting. At least that is what I will keep telling myself until I start to believe myself.

Congratulations you have insert chosen chronic illness here: Welcome to the life that everybody wishes they had.

I have gone through  my entire life fighting health problems that made me different from everybody else around me. And don’t get me wrong I would never wish for a different life. After all, if my past was any different I wouldn’t be who I am today and I’ve become rather fond of the person I have become. However, it would have made growing up and accomplishing my dreams so much easier if I wasn’t constantly sick and facing adversity because my body doesn’t always cooperate.

Growing up sick didn’t always have such horrible consequences. I mean who doesn’t love having to miss school and get to stay at home because you physically can’t get your body to stand or move. And I absolutely loved being taken to the doctor’s office and being told I was just looking for attention or the pains I was feeling were just growing pains and would eventually subside. If I told you about the numerous emergency room visits I had that ended in my leaving in tears with a note recommending I see a shrink you would be jealous that you had a different life that I did.

But on a more serious and honest note my mom always did the best she could to make me smile and make me as happy as possible whenever  I was sick or in pain. And most importantly no matter what the doctors said she always believed me that my pain was real and that something was going seriously wrong to cause it.

But as hard as I thought growing up and going through my childhood sick was, I could have never imagined much more difficult things would become once I graduated high school. I always thought people were understanding and compassionate and full of empathy, but to my dismay these are skills that quite a few people lack. I can easily name a few of the mistakes and painful comments that have been made to me during my life like they were normal everyday occurrences for everybody.

  1. Oh you have arthritis, so does my insert name of old as fuck relative here.
  2. Painful periods really are just a normal part of being a woman you’re just being a baby about it.
  3. You know I am so tired too, I only stayed up until 2 am this morning. Maybe you should trying getting some more sleep.
  4. Really you can’t be in that much pain, you’re too young to be that sick or hurt that much.

Honestly, I know some preschoolers who are more understanding and caring than adults in society. I don’t really care about what you think or your opinion on my health or my life, or how I handle and control my chronic health problems. Because to be honest, your opinion does nothing but add more stress to my already stressful life.

I know I am only 23 years old, but most days I feel like I am stuck in the body of a 60 year old. I know I am only 23 years old, but I have been begging my obgyn for a hysterectomy since I was 20 years old. I know I am only 23 years old, but I have had 7 major surgeries. I know I am only in the prime of starting my life, but everyday I wake up worrying that I won’t be able to walk, or my pain will be so high that I won’t be able to move without crying, or that I won’t even have the opportunity to live my life.

I will sit here and tell you what all chronically ill people want you to know. Until you have understood and walked in our shoes keep your opinions and medical knowledge to yourself. It isn’t comforting. It hurts. We aren’t a bunch of lazy bums trying to get out of working and living life. We want to be out there living and partying and pulling our own weight. We are doing the best we can to just survive and not have every thought consumed by terrifying what-ifs.

Next time you see somebody just laying in bed all day, or not being able to go to school or work a full-time job, or using a handicap pass don’t be so quick to judge. Just because somebody looks healthy doesn’t mean they aren’t fighting just to be alive. Looks can be very deceptive. My mom always told me to not judge a book by it’s cover and the older I get and sicker I get the more I realize how true this is.

 

Who Am I?

 

I have been contemplating this question for years now. Who is Jaime? What do I want in life? What am I working towards? And of course, the question everybody wonders: what is my purpose in life?

Obviously, I can answer the basic questions abut who I am. My name is Jaime. I am currently 23 years old. I am a gender fluid lesbian. My favorite color is a tie between green and blue. I absolutely love animals and children. I love to help people and want to spend my life as a doctor working with children.

Most people would see these and think okay so this person has a start in life and knows where they want to end up, right? Not exactly!

Yes, I do know what I want to work towards in life and who I want to become. But getting there for me is not just as simple as going to class, getting good grades, and enjoying life.

I have health problems that complicate my path on reaching these goals. And yes for some people that is just an excuse, but for me it is more of an irritating pest that likes to throw me road blocks. I won’t get into the health problems I am facing currently, I’ll save that for later on.

After all, my health problems do not make me who I am, they just create some new circumstances for me to overcome.

So for now I’ll answer the question in the simplest way ever. I am a person who is trying to figure out life and live it to its fullest. And if anybody wants to follow me on the journey keep reading along as I post. Maybe other people will face some of the same complications and journeys that I am going through and you can help me figure it out. But in the mean time I will keep posting and see where it leads.